


the darkness, the deepness

by legdabs (scvlly)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Fluff, M/M, discussion of depression but like. in abstract
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 08:00:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16058912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scvlly/pseuds/legdabs
Summary: the tour's over, but dan's not sure about what comes next.





	the darkness, the deepness

**Author's Note:**

> insp. by this exerpt from tabinof:
> 
> and here we are, sat back on the sofa in our apartment, looking at each other writing captions for a photo album.
> 
> it’s really weird that we’re making eye contact as we write this right now. i’d prefer it if you didn’t make this meta - you’re ruining everyone’s immersion
> 
> sorry. what even is normal life like now that we’re back? _we’ve been on this train for so long i never even thought about what would happen when it stops._

Dan’s expecting to feel something like relief and contentedness as he lets himself fall backwards onto the king-sized bed in their hotel room; a sense of accomplishment and success that he - _they_ \- have travelled the world and more for a second time - but he doesn’t.

Instead, he feels empty. An odd kind of numb that doesn’t feel bad, but it doesn’t feel good, either. In fact, it really doesn’t feel like anything at all. 

“It’s really over, huh?” He says, staring at the ceiling; swirling artex shapes blurring before eyes that just can’t quite seem to focus.

“Yeah,” Phil says, a smile evident in his voice. Dan hears him throw his jacket onto the chair in the corner of their room and toe off his shoes, making his way around to where Dan’s legs hang off the side of the bed and kicking his foot with his own. “We did it.”

“We did,” Dan echoes, though without much conviction. He hopes Phil won’t notice, but, of course, he does.

“What’s up, love?” He asks gently, resting a hand on Dan’s knee as he settles on the floor and leans back against the bed. His shoulder rests against Dan’s calf, a grounding point of contact and warmth.

Dan sighs. “What comes next?”

“We go home.”

“Yeah, but what then? We go back to normal life?”

“Is that so bad?” Phil reasons softly, tilting his head back to look at Dan’s sprawled form atop the bed.

“It’s not that,” Dan lifts his head to meet his gaze. “I’m just worried.”

“About what?”

Dan sighs. “Going back. Having nothing to do. I’m worried about not having the structure of _having_ to get up and go out and meet people and do the show, because instead I’ll have the space to go to dark places in my head and let myself get bad again.”

“If it’s losing a routine you’re worried about, it’s easy for us to do something about that. We’ll work out another set of rules and bedtimes and things to do, and I’ll help you stick to them.”

“But what if it won’t stop me having too much time to think?” Dan’s voice breaks on the last word and he sits up suddenly, running a hand across his face. “Fuck, Phil, what if I have to get back on meds or something?”  
  
“Then you go back on meds. I know you don’t want to-” Phil holds up a hand to halt the protest that Dan leans forward to make, “-but if it’d be best for you to do so, we won’t rule it out. It’s not the end of the world, love, and it’s not forever.”

Dan looks as though he’s ready to say something else, but he doesn’t. He’s frowning, though, and still clearly unconvinced, so Phil continues:

“We’ll do our best to keep you off them, though. We can talk to your therapist and see what ideas she has. We’ll keep exercising, keep eating well, keep doing the things that have worked before. And you know I’ll still be here for you, too.”

Dan smiles at that, drawing his legs up onto the bed and crossing them before him. “For always?”

“For always.”

“Good.”

Chuckling, Phil pulls himself onto his knees to face Dan from the floor. “You’ve done it before, remember.”  
  
“Hmm?”  
  
“Come back from tour. And you said the same things then, about how you were worried about losing the routine and the experience of exploring new places and meeting new people.”

“I did, didn’t I?” Dan muses quietly. 

“You did. And what happened?”  
  
“I got through it.”  
  
“And was it as bad as you thought it’d be?”  
  
“No,” Dan says honestly, and Phil reaches across to squeeze his knee.

“Exactly. Now, I’m not going to promise you it’ll be as easy this time, but it might be. It might even be easier, y’know? We’ve got things we still need to do with this tour, we’ve got videos to make, and a forever home to find. You’re not gonna have as much downtime as you seem to think, mister.”

Phil’s joking tone rekindles a safe, familiar warmth in his chest, and Dan wants to encourage it to grow as much as he can. He rolls his eyes, a small smile growing wide across his lips. “Let a man _think_ he’ll get some rest, will you?”

“Now, where’d be the fun in that?”

“I dunno, Phil,” Dan shakes his head, still smiling. He reaches both of his hands down towards Phil. “Come up here.”

Phil allows himself to be pulled to his feet before sitting beside Dan and crossing his own legs. He feels himself being watched, Dan can tell, and eventually turns his head to meet Dan’s eyes. 

“What?” He prompts gently.

“Nothing. Just thinking.” Dan says.

“About?”  
  
“You.”

“And?”

“How good this tour has been. How much we’ve done. How there’s nobody I’d rather be with right now.”

“…And?” Phil presses.

Dan takes his hand, shifting his body to face Phil more squarely. He doesn’t know how to articulate it, but he’s thinking about all the places they’ve been in a few short months, the thousands of people they’ve met and the risqué things they’ve said on-stage. He’s thinking about the way he’s seen Phil grow in confidence both in and out of the glare of stage lights, the way more freckles than he’d thought possible have blossomed across seemingly every inch of his skin, and the exhilarated, breathless grin that follows the sweaty hug he’s enveloped in every time they leave the stage. He’s thinking about travelling the world for a second time with his best friend and the love of his life, who just so happen to be the same person, and just how fucking lucky he really is. 

He’s thinking he doesn’t know quite how to put everything he’s suddenly feeling into words.

Squeezing Phil's hand in his, he tells him: “I’m thinking how, even if it’s hard to go back to normal… I’d do it all over again.”

**Author's Note:**

> @legdabs on tumblr!
> 
> that fucking thing from tabinof has been saved at the top of my 'ideas' doc since like january. finally i used it.
> 
> title from lana's stellar new release mariners apartment complex go listen xoxo


End file.
